Serious Mental Illness: The Stress on Family Members

Serious Mental Illness: Family Concerns

                I have recently been asked to blog about how to deal with serious mental illness, within the family. Many individuals often focus on the struggle of the individual, and seem to be unaware of the struggles for the family. Family members often feel embarrassed, protective, overwhelmed, exhausted, and helpless all at the same time. It is heartbreaking to watch someone we love suffer, and it is also exhausting to care for these individuals. Family members can become resentful toward this individual, feel that they are a burden, and become burnout. Family functions can become a time of stress, and chaos if the individual is in a bad space. I wanted to give some tips to help diminish caregiver fatigue, and assist you with regrouping after interacting with this individual.

1. The toughest part is often dealing with negative behaviors. We often find ourselves saying, “I don’t know why they act that way?” “Why are they doing this to me?” “Why do they have to ruin this event?” This may sound cliché but you need to understand, they are not doing this to you. They often cannot explain their behavior themselves. It is impossible for a rational mind, to understand an irrational behavior. The individual is dealing with diluted thoughts, and is often unable to rationalize their thoughts or actions. They truly may not have a “reason” for their actions, they just act. Understand that they are suffering, and would love to ‘act normal.”
2. Debrief- After dealing with this individual you may feel frustrated, overwhelmed, irritated, etc. Take some time to debrief these thoughts. Why is their behavior bothering you? Find a quiet space to journal, or reflect on your own feelings. Are you angry with them because of their behavior, or are you grieving for other family members. For example, if you have a brother or sister with a serious mental illness, you may become upset about the burden they place on your parents. Instead of being angry at the individual, you can offer to help you parents with daily errands they run for this individual. Understanding your feelings will allow you to take action for healing
3. Learn about their Mental Illness: Education is key for understanding. Take time to learn why this individual is struggling. Research symptoms, and treatments. Learn this individual’s triggers, and warning signs.  This will help you identify when they are becoming ill, and allow you to assist them in seeking help Ask what you can do to assist them during this time. Take time to educate other family members on this information. This will help your family act as a resource for this individual, and reduce caregiver fatigue.
4. Know Your Limits- It is easy to become overwhelmed when interacting with this individual. You must learn your limits. If you can only handle 1 day a week, only agree to 1 day a week. You cannot care for anyone else, if your mental well-being is being affected. It is okay to set boundaries and limits. In fact, it is necessary when interacting with someone who has a serious mental illness. If this individual is someone you must care for daily, you still need to take time to yourself. If you find yourself becoming angry, hurt, or frustrated walk away. Take 15 minutes to regroup, and calm yourself. This can be done using: meditation, exercise, music, prayer, anything that makes you feel relaxed.
5. Spend time with when they are well- In many cases, symptoms wax and wane for individuals. Make sure you spend time with them when they are well. This will help facilitate a bond, and allow you to spend enjoyable time with this individual. This will help diminish feelings of resentment.  This will also help foster feelings of compassion, and endearment.
6. Seek Therapy for YOURSELF- I cannot stress how important it is to seek therapy for yourself.  We do not have the power to change anyone except ourselves. Caring for this individuals often difficult, and mentally draining. Family members often vent frustrations to other family members. This can lead to tension within the family. Having an unbiased person to talk to, can not only assist you with coping, but allow you a safe space to vent these feelings.

Post-Partum Series 4: Post-Partum Depression

               

The final issue I want to discuss is post-partum depression. There are many feelings that arise during the post-partum period, however, it is important to know the difference between “the baby blues’ and postpartum depression. Post-Partum Depression can be serious and lead to thoughts of suicide or even harming your baby. Post-Partum depression typically begins within the first month after birth, but can continue for up to a year post-partum.

Signs and Symptoms- DSM-5

• Depressed mood most of the day, nearly everyday
• Diminished interest in pleasurable activities
• Significant weight loss, or weight gain. Increase or decrease in appetite
• Insomnia or hypersomnia
• Unable to rest, even when baby is resting
• Intense feelings of being overwhelmed
• Feelings of worthlessness
• Feelings of inadequacy concerning caring for the baby
• Frequent Anxiety
• Diminished ability to think or concentrate
• Recurrent thoughts of death, suicide, or harming your baby       

What Should You Do?

• First, understand that this is not your fault. Having Post-Partum Depression does not make you a bad mother. Understand that Post-Partum Depression occurs in about 15% of all new mothers.
• Seek Help Immediately- In mild cases PPD can be treated with talk therapy. In more severe cases anti-depressant medications may be necessary. Getting help early is not only crucial for treatment, but will allow you to begin feeling better quickly.
• If you feel that you may harm yourself, or your baby- Call a Family Member, Friend, Spouse, or partner to come care for baby immediately. This will ensure your safety, and the safety of your child.  If you are in an emergency you can call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline:
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number
  • 1-800-273-8255
  • 
    
• You can also go to your local Walk in Crisis Center for immediate care.

Post-Partum Series 3: Mommy Guilt

The next issue I want to discuss is “Mommy Guilt.” New moms often feel guilty for wanting to do things alone. This can include wanting to go back to work, or even go out with friends. Society often adds to this pressure. Many individuals believe that, “good mommies are with their babies 24/5.” This places unrealistic pressure of a new mom. This guilt can cause many new moms to feel pressured to stay at home, and even disengage from having a social life. This can have devastating effects on a new mom mentally, and physically. It can also foster feelings of resentment towards being a mom. What can you do about mommy guilt?

1. Know the Myths- Many researchers have found that the quantity of time you spend with your babies has little effect on attachment. The importance is on the quality of time you spend with your baby. Many moms often worry that working will affect the bond between them and baby. However, research tells us that is not the case. If you are happy, you are much more likely to be mentally able to care for your child.
2. Go out Anyway- It is okay to feel guilty. The truth about feelings, is they do not last forever. It is important for you mentally to be around other adults. Humans are social beings.  If you challenge these feelings early on, by allowing yourself to still engage socially, the guilt will slowly diminish
3. Leave your baby with someone they trust. If you have a baby sitter in mind, be sure to give your baby time to get to know them. This may mean, spending time with the babysitter while you are home. If you know your child will be well taken care of, and confrontable with their sitter, you will be more confrontable at work, or out with friends.
4. Join a Mom Group- This can be don online, or locally. This will help you normalize your feelings, as well as, allow you to have adult time. In many cases, knowing you are not alone, is enough to relieve negative feelings. Also many local moms groups facilitate play dates. Play dates are a great way to socialize you and your baby.
5. Spend Quality Time with Baby Once you return home. This will not only facilitate bonding, but allow you to catch up on anything you missed while away.

I could go on forever, about the difficulties of our post-partum feelings. Please feel free to ask direct questions if you have any.

Post-Patrum Series 2: "The Best Time of your Life"

The nest post-partum issue I want to discuss, is the pressure to be in LOVE with all aspects of motherhood. Think about all the postures you see of breastfeeding mothers with huge smiles on their faces, new mothers full of love holding their littles, or even picture perfect mothers with great hair, and no dark circles. This is also not a reality for a lot of new moms. I am not saying all new moms are not in love with their babies. We are in love them, however, we also miss sleep, struggle with feeding issues, are often covered in spit up.  I want to take a moment to say, “IT IS OK to feel these things!”  Caregiver Fatigue applies when taking care of your children. There is nothing wrong with hating breastfeeding, hating staying up all night, and even hating the laundry that has piled up over the last few days. Society expects us to be perfect, have a perfect house, and immediately know how to be mom. I firmly believe there is a steep learning curve when having a baby. New moms, you are doing an amazing job! Your baby thinks you’re the most amazing person in the world, and guess what you are! Even if you feel overwhelmed and drained. That does not make you less of an amazing mother! Here are a few tips to improve your feelings of being overwhelmed.

1. Take a Break- Everyone loves a new baby, and everyone loves to offer help. Do not be afraid to take them up on this offer. If someone offers to do your dishes, let them. If someone offers to hold you baby for 30 minutes so you can nap, let them! If you don’t have anyone to offer help, you can still take a break. Lay your baby down for 15 minutes, stretch, take a shower, and eat something. This will help you feel rejuvenated, and less overwhelmed.
2. Prioritize- Make a list of things you NEED to get done every day, and place them in order of importance. For a new mom, this may just be eat, sleep, and take care of baby.  Having a list of priories, will help you balance your needs and wants.
3. Me Time- Take a few moments each day to have some alone time. This can occur after bedtime, or before baby wakes for the day. This can be as simple as drinking your morning coffee alone, or having a glass of wine before bed. Find something that you can enjoy, just for you. Even if it’s only for 10 minutes a day!
4. Do something just for you: Take time out of your day to solely focus on your needs. This does not have to be a time consuming, costly event. Find 10 minutes to do something you enjoy. This can be something as small as, drinking your coffee, writing in a journal, walking outside, anything you find relaxing.

Post-Partum Series 1: Body Image

Post-Partum Depression, or the pressure to be a “picture perfect mommy?”

                As a new mom, this is a topic I hold dear to my heart. We have all heard about the dreaded Post-Partum Depression, however, there is often little discussion about the post-partum period. This is identified as 1 year post birth. As stated in my headline, we live is a society that often expects perfection in an imperfect world. Mothers are expected to birth their babies, and then within 6-12 weeks have a bikini perfect body, a child on an ideal schedule, and be back at work without missing a beat.

                However, this is not the reality for most new moms. Let’s start by talking about the pressure of reclaiming your body. I can’t count how many times I have been told, “Don’t worry your body will bounce back in no time,” “Don’t worry you will be in a bikini in a month or two.” “You will lose all your baby weight in 9 months, I mean that is how long it took you to put it on.” We know people say these things out of pure encouragement, but that is a lot of pressure on a new mom. I often want to say, “What if I don’t?” Don’t get me wrong, like tons of women, I want that pre-pregnancy body back ASAP. However, here is the truth, I don’t sleep, I am often too exhausted to work out on a regular schedule, I often chose to sleep rather than eat, and there are some days I drink coffee just to function! I want to take a moment and say to all the moms out there, “You look great!” “You just made a human! You cannot get any more impressive that that!” and most of all “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL in the body you are in!” Although society may never reach the realistic expectations for post-partum bodies, we must learn to love yourself, and love our post-partum bodies. Here are some helpful tools to help boost your self-esteem during this stressful time!

1. Take time to Shower and Get Dressed in the MORNING- This is a tough one for a lot of moms, single moms and even moms with support. Take 15 minutes out of your day to shower, and get dressed in the morning. I often put my daughter in her bouncy seat and just bring her in the bathroom with me. This keeps her calm, and gives me a chance to take care of myself. This will help you not only prepare for your day, but to feel more “put together.” You will feel more accomplished and ready to face the day!
2. Engage in Positive Self Talk-   Look in a mirror, and state 3 positive things OUTLOUD about your body each day. This one takes practice. I always tell individuals that at first this feels, weird and uncomfortable. I also tell individuals it is not important if you believe these statements or not. Self-Esteem is actually developed by reflection. If you are constantly reflecting, “I look Gross, I wish I was smaller, I look rough,” you self-esteem will suffer.  Engaging in positive self-talk OUTLOUD, will not only enhance self-esteem, but eventually replace the negative beliefs you have about your body.
3. Wear Clothes that make you feel pretty- As a new mom, it is easy to get wrapped into missing your old clothes, or hating how your old clothes now fit. Buy clothes that make you feel good. This will boost your self-confidence, and allow you to skip the 30 minutes of changing in front of a mirror because you don’t feel good in your pre-pregnancy clothes.
4. Set Realistic Goals- As a new mom, you should make time to exercise. This will not only improve your health, but make you feel better about yourself. It will take time for your body to re-adjust to exercise. Set a Realistic Goal! If you haven’t ran in 9 months, don’t set a goal to run a marathon in a month! Start small, for example, a goal to get 20 minutes of exercise twice a week was the starting point I chose.

Communication: What did you say?

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

Many couples struggle to use effective communication. In many cases arguments and conflict arise as a direct result of miscommunication. Did you know that the majority of communication is conducted through tone, and body language? Effective Communication has been identified as one of the key elements in a healthy relationship. Effective communication allows both individuals a chance to speak, be heard, and respond.

It is my personal belief that individuals in relationships often use passive aggressive, or accusatory, communication styles. This often leads to arguments, and even relationship failure. Let me give you an example of what I mean:

Passive Aggressive- I am going to take out the trash, because I have to do everything around here.

Accusatory- Why haven’t you taken out the trash yet? When are you going to get that done?

These are common communication tools we use in everyday language. Although this type of communication does allow the speaker to make their point, it only allows the listener to feel defensive, guilty, and hurt.  These two statements applied that the listener, “isn’t doing a good job at being a partner,” “isn’t moving fast enough,” or “isn’t meeting your needs.” These responses then, in turn, cause the listener to respond defensively, lash out, or withdraw from the conversation.  The examples I gave can be applied to many everyday conservations. Think about your conversations with your partner today. How many of them begin with. “Why haven’t you.., why can’t you.., Didn’t I already ask you.., etc.

Here are some simple changes you can make to become a more effective speaker and listener:

1. Pay attention to your tone and body language: This is a simple step you can take towards improving conversation. I am not asking you to change anything to start. Simply spend some time attending to your tone and body language. Much of the time, we are using body language that is sending mixed communication signals. For example, if you have had a bad day, you may  be using a closed posture when talking to your partner. Having a closed posture makes individuals feel unwelcomed and defensive. These feelings can occur even prior to the start of a conversation.

2. “Say what you mean, and mean what you say”- Dr. Seuss. This quote is one I always come  back to when speaking to individuals on effective communication. During conversation we often “drop hints” about how we feel, or what we want. This places your partner in the position to read your mind. Many individuals often believe that, “they should know how I feel, because they are my husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, or whomever.” However, unless you state you feelings, no one will be able to understand your position. For example stating, “I don’t understand why you can’t do anything I ask.” Only allows the person to hear, “you are failing at meeting my needs.” Instead you could say, “I am really frustrated because, I FEEL overwhelmed, would you mind helping me by doing…?” This allows the individual to understand your feelings and allows your partner a chance to respond effectively. This also allows you, as the speaker, to take ownership of your feelings.

3. LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN- This tool is actually not as simple as it sounds. Attending to someone takes practice and patience. We often are so wrapped up in what we are going to say next, we do not listen to what the speaker is saying. We become driven by steering a conversation, rather than having a conversation. You can start by utilizing some active listening skills. Repeat what your partner has said to you, make eye contact, focus on conversation, and remove distractions. When you are having a conversation with your partner, put down your cell phone, look each other in the eye, and most importantly DO NOT INTRUPT. Allow the speaker to complete their sentence prior to your response. This will allow both you and your partner to remain in the moment and have a chance to be heard.

4. Learn your partner’s communication styles: As individuals we learn to communicate from our parents, siblings, friends, and communities. When we enter into a relationship, we take our communication styles with us. This often means that you and your partner do not utilize the same, tone, inflection, or conversation starters. 

5. Refill your Love Bank: I actually cannot remember where I came across this tool for communication. I believe it occurred during one of my intensives at Liberty University. Take a moment to imagine your relationship as a “love bank.” This allows you to make withdraws and deposits daily. Each argument, conflict or stern discussion can be seen as a withdrawal. The goal would be to have more money coming in, than going out. Take some time to make deposits into your bank. This is not something that has to be time consuming, or costly. A deposit could be, hugging your partner, asking about their day, going for a walk, giving them a compliment, or simply spending stress free time together. As our daily lives are often stressful and overwhelming, we often forget to find moments for relaxation or enjoyment. Spending 15 minutes a day enjoying your relationship, will not only improve communication, but facilitate intimacy.

This is a brief overview of things you can do to improve your communication skills. Please feel free to ask me direct questions. I have a lot of request for topics, my next post will be on post-partum depression.