Communication: What did you say?

"The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw

Many couples struggle to use effective communication. In many cases arguments and conflict arise as a direct result of miscommunication. Did you know that the majority of communication is conducted through tone, and body language? Effective Communication has been identified as one of the key elements in a healthy relationship. Effective communication allows both individuals a chance to speak, be heard, and respond.

It is my personal belief that individuals in relationships often use passive aggressive, or accusatory, communication styles. This often leads to arguments, and even relationship failure. Let me give you an example of what I mean:

Passive Aggressive- I am going to take out the trash, because I have to do everything around here.

Accusatory- Why haven’t you taken out the trash yet? When are you going to get that done?

These are common communication tools we use in everyday language. Although this type of communication does allow the speaker to make their point, it only allows the listener to feel defensive, guilty, and hurt.  These two statements applied that the listener, “isn’t doing a good job at being a partner,” “isn’t moving fast enough,” or “isn’t meeting your needs.” These responses then, in turn, cause the listener to respond defensively, lash out, or withdraw from the conversation.  The examples I gave can be applied to many everyday conservations. Think about your conversations with your partner today. How many of them begin with. “Why haven’t you.., why can’t you.., Didn’t I already ask you.., etc.

Here are some simple changes you can make to become a more effective speaker and listener:

1. Pay attention to your tone and body language: This is a simple step you can take towards improving conversation. I am not asking you to change anything to start. Simply spend some time attending to your tone and body language. Much of the time, we are using body language that is sending mixed communication signals. For example, if you have had a bad day, you may  be using a closed posture when talking to your partner. Having a closed posture makes individuals feel unwelcomed and defensive. These feelings can occur even prior to the start of a conversation.

2. “Say what you mean, and mean what you say”- Dr. Seuss. This quote is one I always come  back to when speaking to individuals on effective communication. During conversation we often “drop hints” about how we feel, or what we want. This places your partner in the position to read your mind. Many individuals often believe that, “they should know how I feel, because they are my husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, mom, or whomever.” However, unless you state you feelings, no one will be able to understand your position. For example stating, “I don’t understand why you can’t do anything I ask.” Only allows the person to hear, “you are failing at meeting my needs.” Instead you could say, “I am really frustrated because, I FEEL overwhelmed, would you mind helping me by doing…?” This allows the individual to understand your feelings and allows your partner a chance to respond effectively. This also allows you, as the speaker, to take ownership of your feelings.

3. LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN- This tool is actually not as simple as it sounds. Attending to someone takes practice and patience. We often are so wrapped up in what we are going to say next, we do not listen to what the speaker is saying. We become driven by steering a conversation, rather than having a conversation. You can start by utilizing some active listening skills. Repeat what your partner has said to you, make eye contact, focus on conversation, and remove distractions. When you are having a conversation with your partner, put down your cell phone, look each other in the eye, and most importantly DO NOT INTRUPT. Allow the speaker to complete their sentence prior to your response. This will allow both you and your partner to remain in the moment and have a chance to be heard.

4. Learn your partner’s communication styles: As individuals we learn to communicate from our parents, siblings, friends, and communities. When we enter into a relationship, we take our communication styles with us. This often means that you and your partner do not utilize the same, tone, inflection, or conversation starters. 

5. Refill your Love Bank: I actually cannot remember where I came across this tool for communication. I believe it occurred during one of my intensives at Liberty University. Take a moment to imagine your relationship as a “love bank.” This allows you to make withdraws and deposits daily. Each argument, conflict or stern discussion can be seen as a withdrawal. The goal would be to have more money coming in, than going out. Take some time to make deposits into your bank. This is not something that has to be time consuming, or costly. A deposit could be, hugging your partner, asking about their day, going for a walk, giving them a compliment, or simply spending stress free time together. As our daily lives are often stressful and overwhelming, we often forget to find moments for relaxation or enjoyment. Spending 15 minutes a day enjoying your relationship, will not only improve communication, but facilitate intimacy.

This is a brief overview of things you can do to improve your communication skills. Please feel free to ask me direct questions. I have a lot of request for topics, my next post will be on post-partum depression.